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Why I've been living poor, recently

My emotions about money, currently:
 

"Venus is contra-parallel" = being abandoned by a beloved in the first 7 years of my life; can't bear being left behind one more time; can't bear that feeling...but I can now. 

Venus square pluto and contra-parallel, and square nodes...yuck.


I've been living poor, partly because it addressed some emotional problems:

0. a temporary fix to the feeling that I've been abandoned by someone I love or am simply drawn to, which is not necessarily love;

1. running out of energy and then feeling I couldn't prove that I was out of energy and they wouldn't listen; anger at parents protestant-workaholic-ethics;

2. running out of food/resources = Kiron = stomach.
Consequence: buying too much food or focusing on food as a remedy but still a distraction from the deeper, emotional truth.

3. as a reaction to others not seeming to really know what my individual situation is; feeling isolated; not wanting to feel like that child again, powerless, stuck in a human body. Thus, by blocking it out mentally, I could not MANAGE to keep pace with the economy [physically], which has been designed and manipulated to pillage and plunder those feelings.

4. truth: I'm a projector; I don't need a lot of cash to get by; the cash was never the thing that made me happy; it was a way to avoid feeling disconnection in my heart from my mom, from which I was blocking my own disconnection, in the way of my nature which is to go directly to the Creator.

5. whereas, having a job, during the summer at least, it's easy to psyche myself into something I hate doing, and believe I'm getting somewhere, all-the-while getting further from my heart.

 Mentally:

1. Looking for power, "how to get more power? where do I plug in?" instead of what I'm meant to be seeing, which is personal.

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